EXPEDITION EROTICA. ADVICE BY A PATAGONIAN PRINCESS

Every woman strives to be desired and loved. In order to impress Brankov, however, certain amounts of stubbornness and creativity are required, especially considering that the only way for him to notice a completely different hair color is for you to slap him in the face…and even that doesn’t guarantee you will get any attention while he’s carefully calculating the weight of the spoon and whether to take it on the trip at all. Of you hit him a second time your chances of success might increase.

During an expedition, in order to achieve mind-blowing romance and sex-appeal you need the following: 

1. Load yourselves up like a mule. The bigger the backpack is, the more tender and fragile you’ll look. Ideally, you should choose a pack that sticks out at least 20 inches to the side and 30 above your head. To achieve the best effect, you should strap all sorts of sh*t on the outside of the Pack –  expedition boots, helmets, crampons, ice axes… the BDSM association is of key importance! It is extremely arousing for such man if you ask them to help with stuffing all the kit inside the backpack. Another key moment is your sexy walk. The 48 kilos on your back, the slippery rocks and gains in elevation are no excuse if you are motivated enough.

2. If you fasten the hipbelt well, you will lose 3 inches from your waistline and your lips – dark blue due to the lack of oxygen – will additionally complement your sexy looks. As a bonus you will get artistic bruising on your shoulders and hipbones.

3. Create intimacy. If you have been locked up in a refuge for 2 days while waiting out a storm, and the door of this refuge is so heavy, it requires at least two people to open or close, do not despair. Give him that sexy bat with your eyelashes and tenderly whisper “Let’s go have a wee together, honey!”.  You must adhere to a strict schedule of peeing every 2 hours. Men just love punctual women!

4. Make him happy by lighting a candle – you’d be carrying at least 20 for boot-drying and forlorn attempts at reducing tent condensation anyway. This will definitely make him feel better. After all, one candle less, is 15g less to carry.

5. Put your money into an irresistible chocolate tan. The secret to success here is to  put yourself slap in the middle of an enormous glacier, during a day when the sky lacks even a single cloud and the sunscreen is carefully packed in the bottom of the pulk. Do not even consider wasting time to stop and look for the sunscreen. Another key point is you should only wear your mesh base layers. This way you not only guarantee yourself a face that could easily be mistaken with the bottom of a horny monkey,  but also sexy hips in a mesh pattern, without having to spend a single penny for expensive lingerie from a sex shop. Rest assured! The effect from your sunbathing would last at least for 3 weeks!

To further complement your seductive thighs, get yourself lots of various bruises. The easiest way to achieve this is through shards of ice flying through the air right into you, because of a storm. Simple!

6. Improvise with colors. Blaze orange for example –  tights and top – or even better – both. This can be noticed – God forbid – by a rescue helicopter and even by Brankov! If you’re lucky enough, you could cause a UFO to crash land and save yourselves the trouble of carrying all the kit on the long way back to civilization.  

7. Last but not least, never forget about how you smell. No man can resist the suspicious and horrible scent coming from you after over a week without any water warmer than 0.5 degrees Сelsius.

And so, dear ladies, if he suddenly gives you that look of a cute dog, full of love and desire, make no mistake – he just wants you to hand him the toilet paper!